This blog would not be complete without a complaint about my back. Right now, it is hurting so badly that I wish I could just take something and go lay down in a cold room with lots of blankets and sleep it away. I can't. I need to stay busy. I need to stay happy. I need to work it so that it doesn't keep getting worse.
The problem is, IT IS getting worse. It doesn't seem to matter what I do. I can rest it, relax it, take drugs for it, massage it, x ray it, not lift with it, lift with it, cry about it, laugh about it, and it is still with me. I can't see it, it is behind me, but I sure can feel that it is there.
I have so many things in my mind that I really, really want to do, but when I go to do them, my back screams at me.
Sometimes it is a low whine. Sometimes it is a boring, dull ache that says noooo, and sometimes it is a shrill scream that says, WHOA! Don't do that again!!!! Sometimes it scrunches up and I have to run for a chair. Sometimes it refuses to let me get off of the floor after playing with the kids. Sometimes it feels like a lit fire and it warms my feet for me. Sometimes it won't let me drive, or turn my head to look at something pretty. Sometimes, it leaves me alone and I have a day to smell the flowers.
However, those days are getting more and more rare.
It is garden planting time. One of my favorite times of year. I went outside and saw the wood pile that needs moved to plant the garden, and went back in. My back was still smarting from loading the dish washer. If I try to move wood, I might have to lay down for a while. If I lay down, I can't get the floor scrubbed or finish the laundry. If I scrub the floor and finish the laundry, I will have to lay down anyway, so I may as well do as much as possible and then lay down.
So what now.... ???
I guess nothing. I can spend big bucks on more x rays to find out what I already know. There really isn't anything to be done.
I can park closer at stores because of a handicapped bumper sticker. I can park farther away because it is good to walk.
I can lay on my back and feel sorry for myself, or I can lay on my back and spend my time wisely, praying for others, praying for our missionaries, praying for the Lord to teach me to be content in whatever state I am in.
The problem though sometimes is complicated when other's are not content with the state that I am in. They need me to do more than I can do. Then I start to dwell on what I can't do, knowing I am making them unhappy and dissatisfied and then it is hard to do what I can do.
It turns into a cycle of sadness sometimes. I have to fight it. FIGHT IT!
So now, I must do what I know I can do.
“I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me.”
― C. S. Lewis
― C. S. Lewis
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent. (quote found on the wall of a concentration camp)