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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Confusion of Beyond Consequences Logic and Control Part 2

I was talking with somebody the other day, and over the last few months, more than one person.... about BCLC and how it works.  There are so many mis understandings about it, and I think maybe clarifying would be very helpful for those trying to put it into practice.

I wrote part one here:

BCLC is not really a program. It is a paradigm shift in thinking.  Instead of ASSUMING that all behaviors that are negative are stemming from rebellion, manipulation, and trying to get at you,
we consider that the child 1. Is not scheming to get at all your buttons. 2. Is in Protection Mode
3. Is operating from what is called Fright and Flight mode..... (they aren't thinking rationally)

Children with trauma backgrounds DO HEAL, CAN HEAL and WILL HEAL..... but if they are looked at in such negative ways as everything is either of cold calculation or manipulation or defiance and rebellion, AND, they are confused by those labels.... meaning, they don't understand why somebody would say such a thing about them, and they are hurt by those words..... the opportunity to heal is slim.

If instead, the child is accepted WHERE THEY ARE, and then brought into a place of firm and loving acceptance, only then can they be guided to a safe place of vulnerability to really heal.
External obedience based upon fear is not healing. It is delayed rage.  But when a child feels SAFE, safe to talk, safe to feel, safe to say what is on their heart, even if those words are hard to hear; only then, can real, life long instruction that will STICK and cause PERMANENT change take place.

Will they be perfect little human beings? No. As, I am not a perfect mama, and am full of imperfections, they will always be human. :)
But, if I don't hold my buttons out to be pushed, they can't push them.  If I am stronger, and the grown up,  and the immovable loving force, that takes them by the hand and REDIRECTS them into a place of love and calm, they will want to stay there, eventually.

For the child who is used to a storm, loving calm can feel REALLY weird and scary. Yes, scary.
They will do everything in their power to stay within the familiar, because it "seems safe".  It is familiar, and when everything else is unfamiliar, and uncharted territory, a good old fashioned storm seems safe in a warped sort of way.

Have you ever met an adult who seems to thrive on Chaos?  Apparently there are alot of them out there, otherwise soap operas wouldn't be so popular.

So, for clarification's sake:  BCLC is not a "coddle fest".  It is not an, "Oh, Suzie, you just tried to burn the house down, I know you are scared, let's go rock in the chair".  LOL

BCLC is instructive and waits instead of tying to accomplish everything in the "heat of the moment".
A child who is out of control cannot learn OR listen when they are in that mode.  Finding the best way to get them calm and quick is the beginning.  NOT the end.
If it is rocking, great. If it is sitting quietly next to them great.  If they are a teenager and they stomp off to their room to self regulate, great.  (don't go storming in) WAIT.
They will not cease to exist in the next 10 minutes or hour.

When things are calm and settled, reaffirm your love. Then, talk to them about better ways to handle things.  Ask THEM, "How do you think you could handle that better?"  "What can mom and dad do to help you?"  You may be surprised by their answers.
Sometimes you might get an "I don't know" and sometimes you might get an ear full. :)
BCLC is gentle shepherd parenting and instruction in righteousness, and right living, without brow
beating and judging every motive.
IS IT POSSIBLE you are dealing with rebellion? Yes it is.  But the instruction doesn't change.
We are ALL rebellious in our hearts towards God.  Yet, God tenderly calls us to come to him and rest.

As you instruct and pray with your child, bringing into the fabric of their lives the word of God,  instruction for life,  talking about past, present and future...... be encouraged that LASTING CHANGE will take place.
Will you go backwards sometimes?  Yes..... but then, you will quickly move forwards too.

We had this experience last week.... and I have to say,  the forwards has not just been 3 steps but about 10.  I am even a little shocked. :)

I think one of the things that helps me understand BCLC the most, is the bible.  God tenderly deals with us. He woo's us, he instructs us, his mercies are new every morning. He is GREAT in Mercy and Grace, not wanting anybody to perish.  He loves us with an everlasting love. The best model I can think of is Jesus himself with the disciples.  He was the gentle shepherd who instructed and taught and taught and instructed, and when Peter said something like, "I'll die for you!"  He said, actually Peter, you are going to deny me, but don't worry..... I am praying for you.... I love you. It will be ok.

Wow. This is our example.  Sometimes we have our kids written off before they are 3.  I know I have said this before.... but one of our sons, had we considered everything he did as negative rebellion and punished him constantly, we wouldn't have the son we have today. I am convinced he could have become a self fulfilling prophecy...... But instead, he is a loving and happy husband and father and a very loving son.

Behaviors are simply gauges to watch, and when they are in the red area, we work to bring them back into compliance and get them to stay there on their own. :)
For some it is much harder work than for others..... but BCLC teaches SELF CONTROL not external control that will blow up later.
It may take a little more time, but once things are set in place, it is pure joy.


Muddled Muse said...

Thank you so much for your posts on parenting. Even though we don't have kids yet, I really benefit from hearing your thoughts on dealing with "stormy" situations. When I was working at the Montessori school we would iniate the calm by taking the 2-3 yos to a private place where they could "self regulate" instead of escalating a conflict by trying to deal with it in the heat of the moment. It makes you realize that even a 2 yo can recognize that shouting/screaming doesn't work. You train a child to talk out issues, instead of reacting to them.

Annie said...

What a good summary! It IS a paradigm shift....and because it is away from the "parenting mode" that we seem to be taught - both by personal experience and books, it is SO contrary to our initial instincts.

And, actually, for me it is easy to "forgive and forget" and be lazy and not to the necessary follow-through. But, when I do it - wow! The insights! I'm amazed at how well it works - better than therapy, and I'm being literal here.

Kathleen said...

Nice post on BCLC. We love it, too.

4 adopted, 2 bio, 2 grandkids, and 1 on the way


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