I was looking at the newest baby at church today. She is simply beautiful. She was resting peacefully in her mother's arms, snuggled against her chest, at perfect rest.
When I see babies now, my thoughts are all over the place. Memories of my own babies come back to mind, and how peacefully my boys rested, snuggled comfortably in my arms.... memories of watching them breathe, memories of their first smile, first tooth, first coo, first word.... and I marvel that they are now a bunch of big hairy men! LOL
But then, my heart goes to my girls. I don't have any memories of them being little. I have heartache for them, because each of them came from very difficult circumstances. Their early lives are a mystery.
Who snuggled them? Did they love them? Did they let them sleep peacefully, listening to a heart beat? Did they pause and listen to their precious breath?
NO. It didn't happen.
Our girls missed so much, it hurts to think about it. Their early lives were already lived.... WITHOUT US! Whaaa...... I didn't hear their first cries. I didn't comfort their little tears, or comfort them when they were sick or hurt. They only had themselves. :(
And now, I can't think of what life would be like without each of them. It SEEMS that they have always been here. The only memory that they haven't, is that I have no baby pictures. :(
It is as if that part of their lives is unaccounted for. It is very sad.
I am so thankful they are home. I am so thankful they are happy and I hear joyful laughter and screams and squeals. I am so thankful that I can rock them even today.... and they don't seem to mind. :)
Yes, we joke that they came "potty trained and talking back"..... but there is pain there too.
I would have given my right arm, to have been their mama from the beginning.
I can see however, that God had different plans. I don't know why....But HE does! And he has chosen to take Ashes and turn them into beauty.......
And I get to watch it all unfold in my home. Oh how thankful I am. :)
“I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me.”
― C. S. Lewis
― C. S. Lewis
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent. (quote found on the wall of a concentration camp)