“I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me.”
― C. S. Lewis
― C. S. Lewis
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent. (quote found on the wall of a concentration camp)
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Healing hurts. There is pain before gain.
We had a really good talk yesterday with Miss Alli. She had a bit of a rough afternoon and I could see in her face that she didn't want to have a rough afternoon, she just couldn't seem to get out of it.
As I was talking with her, my heart once again broke for her. She said, "Mama, I don't know what to do! I don't want to be this way, but I am."
That is when I could really talk with her. She said in her heart she starts to fear that nobody cares about her. Of COURSE she does! Because for her, that is how her first 11 years felt. We have just had her 6 months.
She said that most of the time when she gets upset, it has to do with that very issue; feeling like nobody cares. And her biggest fear is that we will send her away.
She told us yesterday. You are different parents. You are the most different parents I have ever had. That statement made me sad. How many kids have the life experience to have to say that? :/ When she called us different, she meant it in a good way. She truly does love us. We know she does. She shows it in many, many ways and I should probably blog about it more. :)
I told her, "Sweetie, you are not a visitor. You are MY DAUGHTER, just as if I had birthed you myself. I don't see you any other way. I love you the same as if you were born to me. You are a part of me, a part of my heart. On the worst of days, I have never EVER thought one time about sending you anywhere! EVER, EVER, EVER!
We are on the same team. I am not against you. I am FOR you. ALL THE WAY TILL THE DAY I DIE. I am FOR YOU.
As she pondered my words, tears welled up in her eyes and we began to work out some strategy to help her when she starts to get stuck, to prevent it from happening in the first place.
Mike and I along with Alli had a snuggle time and a time of prayer this a.m. at about 6:15. She was UP and ready. And then, later in the morning, I had an opportunity to use that strategy we planned the day before. It was a simple, "Remember....I care." And that was enough to circumvent an incident that could have resulted in talking back and defensiveness.
I am witnessing a miracle take place in Alli's life. Her very presence in our home is a miracle. The healing, DEEP healing that is taking place in her life, is amazing to watch. 6 months ago, we started on the basic things of getting over the shock of being moved yet again, and of all the things that happened TO her.....Now we are working on healing WITHIN her. She knows that there is much to learn and discover about herself and what makes her tick. Even though she is just 11, there are times where she is able to understand and comprehend way beyond her years. Yesterday was one of those times. :)
She is so smart and sweet and beautiful and I just KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW, she is going to succeed! She is going to make it! And she is going to live a happy, healthy and productive life.