this post, I would like to discuss issues of insecurities a child faces
when they come into an already existing, functioning family.
Many of the older children who come home, come home to a family that already has , or has had, other children.
children have many insecurities. They are insecure about being loved
and cherished. Many times they will challenge parents love. They are so
convinced that THEY are unlovable or undeserving of love, they will set
out to prove it!
They see the love being given to the other
children as a threat to their existence. They also perceive that they
cannot be loved in the same way.
parents need to be prepared way beyond the typical "what would you do if
your child.... (fill in the blank).... and be ready for some REAL soul
Our children come with GREAT
LOSS and may feel that they have NOTHING more they can lose, so why
bother! Why bother attaching to somebody who is going to reject me? Why
bother trying, when it won't be good enough? They feel they will never
measure up to siblings that have already secured their parents
affections. They do not understand the concept of love that is big
enough to cover all, especially Love that is big enough to cover them!
adoptive parents we MUST, MUST, MUST, understand that our children are
HURT. ALL CHILDREN who come through the door of adoption have faced
GREAT LOSS at some point. It is the opposite side of the adoption coin.
Whether they remember it or not does not really
matter. It is REAL, and it is RAW. All the material things in the
world, will not fill in the void and pain of rejection.
need to be VERY CAREFUL that we parent our children with the same
tenderness and gentleness, yet parent them according to each individual
need. It can be exhausting, but it is NECESSARY.
There are those who believe that a child with RAD has no feelings or conscience. I disagree.
have deep feelings and conscience. They are buried deep within the
weight of rejection and pain, neatly protected by a wall of indifference
so that nobody can shatter the already shattered heart again.
is our DUTY and JOB as a parent who brings a child home, to do
everything possible to get to the shattered pieces of the heart and put
them back together and help our children heal. I am not talking about
shipping them off to counseling, in order for them to be "fixed". I am
talking about US LOVING THEM. If WE need to get counseling to get
ourselves together, go for it. If we need the help of a counselor in a
combined effort that WE are INVOLVED IN, find one. BUT WE SHOULD NOT USE THE
COUNSELOR TO DO THE JOB WE SHOULD DO!
Children who have
no understanding of family or any concept of authority or structure
will not understand consequences or punishment. It will only make them
angry and cause them to dig their heels in and pit one will against the
other, better known as a "power struggle". And power struggles lead to
nowhere. Engaging in them causes growth to CEASE!
No, they must be reached in a very different way. They must be reached
through unconditional love that shows curiosity into their lives. It
shows empathy and understanding, AT the SAME TIME, offering a guiding,
gentle light out of the dark tunnel. Not TOO BRIGHT all at one time, or
they can't adjust and will reel back and head for cover. It has to be
slow and steady and gentle and non threatening.
they begin to see that their behaviors are not going to earn them a
ticket back to where they came from.... when they begin to see that mom
and dad love them without condition, when they begin to see that they
too are cherished, because we SPEAK IT INTO THEM..... they will slowly
and steadily begin to respond.
Our words are so important. If we speak words of encouragement and affirmation, they will rise to the words spoken over them.
If you tell a child they are a liar, they will be a liar.
If you tell a child, I know you are honest inside! They will become honest.
If you tell a child they are rebellious. They will be rebellious.
If you tell a child you know they can be sweet, kind and obedient. They will become sweet, kind and obedient.
remember telling Alli several months ago: I know that you are capable
of great love. I can see it in you.... I know that you can tell the
truth, you WANT to be honest! You are just too scared to try it!
I could go on and on..... and then....
BECAME those things. She would say, "I know you don't believe me!" And
we would reply.... We WANT TO! You have to tell the truth! So the truth
is.... and then she would speak it. :)
She has been such a sweetie
and has learned so much and come so far, it just makes me teary. I just
love this little girl so much.
(all of my girls, actually)
She was called a Liar! She was called violent! She was called hateful!
She IS: Honest, gentle and loving! She really TRULY is.....She is NOT
what others said she was. She was HURT. Now, she is HEALING!
our social worker visited today, we were able to share where Alli
started and where she is today. It is nothing short of a true, modern
I praise the Lord for her. I praise the Lord that she has been TRANSFORMED before our eyes.
And I praise the Lord that our girls have a deep love for each other and for us.
little Alli has changed.... from the INSIDE OUT she has been
transformed. I am thrilled to be a part of her healing and to see her
grow into the beautiful young lady God has been preparing her to become.
“I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me.”
― C. S. Lewis
― C. S. Lewis
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent. (quote found on the wall of a concentration camp)