I was asked a really great question yesterday by a soon to be adoptive mom who is reading both "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control, and "The Connected Child." BCLC is written by Heather Forbes and TCC is written by Karyn Purvis.
BOTH are really good books and both I highly recommend. The question was, "Do they sort of contradict each other?" I can totally see how it could look that way, and in a way, it is possible that they DO, IF you are trying to use them both on a newly adopted child.
Let me explain.....
I believe that Heather Forbes BCLC book is perfect for a child who is NEWLY home and for ALL children with EXTREME behaviors. But as your child attaches and sort of "graduates" in behavior, then Karyn Purvis's offers excellent examples of how to stimulate and help a child flourish.
Now, In the Connected Child book, she goes into wonderful detail about the backgrounds of children and where they have come from, but I think some of the methods with a brand new child would not work. I KNOW it would not have worked for 2 of our girls because of the deep wounds and lack of trust in the beginning. But now that we are in a different season, MUCH of what she has to say is just fine.
So I guess what I am saying is that TIMING is VERY IMPORTANT.
The way we can talk to Alli today, is MUCH DIFFERENT than what we could do 17 months ago.
She was so insecure and only had one volume and one emotion that she let show when she was upset. She didn't know the names of other emotions or how she was really feeling. She didn't look at us with direct eye contact when she was upset. And I do not believe in forcing it.
Using BCLC techniques were ESSENTIAL in helping her heal.
I think Karyn Purvis' Book, is a book of how we have always parented in a normal circumstance, even with our boys. There is a lot of common sense in it. She suggests eye contact, and today, I can say to Alli, "Look at mama's eyes".... and she will. But 17 months ago? It couldn't be forced in the moment.
I had to literally test where she was emotionally by placing my hand near her fist. She would bat it away and I would put it near and then as I soothingly talked to her, I would put my hand closer and closer until she took it and held on. THAT was my cue that she was ready to be comforted and after a few minutes I could THEN ask her to look at me. Sometimes she was too ashamed, so I would just tell her she was beautiful and then offer a different way to do things next time. :)
If I were in the process of adopting again, I would say that reading both books is paramount! There is much to glean from both.... but I would be 100% BCLC for quite a while, and THEN when a foundation of trust was formed, I would then begin to use some of Karyn Purvis's techniques.
BOTH BOOKS STRESS gentle and tender voices. BOTH books STRESS kindness and respect.
And RESPECT is a TWO WAY STREET.... IF WE WANT RESPECT, WE NEED TO GIVE IT. We are our children's example of what that looks like.
Children learn and grow differently depending upon personality and situation. You CANNOT RUSH HEALING.
I just love raising our kids. There are challenges and struggles, but the Reward is great. :) Seeing little lives change before our eyes is an amazing experience. What a blessing we have been given.
“I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me.”
― C. S. Lewis
― C. S. Lewis
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent. (quote found on the wall of a concentration camp)