I don't know of any mother who goes into motherhood with ill intentions. I don't know any mother who goes into motherhood NOT wanting to do her very best for her children!
Yet, EACH of us, no matter our age or how far we are into the journey of motherhood have GUILT over decisions we may have made, over convictions we once held and hold no more, or because we have woefully failed in our personal struggle with patience, kindness and gentleness.
Let's face it.... PARENT HOOD IS HARD! As much as we love it.... It is HARD.
Sarah Mae's post today and was sent back to that time when I had a house full of toddler boys. Each of them did the "toddler thing"..... Got out of bed, OVER AND OVER AND OVER again to say goodnight one last time. Each of them were put back to bed, sometimes not so patiently.... but one.... probably my most needy one didn't respond well to that.
He WANTED to be with me. He NEEDED me.... I NEEDED to fold laundry, and rest to get prepared for the next day of exhaustion.
My bright idea? Instead of spending that extra snuggle time with him? I put up 2 baby gates so he couldn't climb over the one I had already put up. I left his door open, and allowed him to play quietly until he fell asleep..... but I DID NOT fulfill HIS NEED for me to be present with him.
And I have GUILT. Because of what I KNOW NOW.....At that time, I thought it was pretty clever.... And now, I feel like I was a miserable failure to him then. Could my insight THEN have prevented his TEMPER TANTRUMS and FRUSTRATION that followed him into his 3's? I guess there is no real way to know that. But my gut tells me YES.
We all do the best with the information we have. We carry into motherhood our past, our upbringing, what others have taught us, and what we know to be true in our hearts.
We carry our OWN baggage and GOD USES that baggage to teach us to trust him, slowly helping us unpack those bags and take upon ourselves, Christ.
He Heals our hearts, our wounds, and if we LET HIM, HE TEACHES us a better way.... it is THERE, PLAIN TO SEE in scripture.... His love letter to us.
Guilt does not serve a purpose but to cause us heartache and grief and to focus on our own failures.
REPENTANCE however, changes what we do and causes us to look forward, and DO BETTER, trusting in the ONE who can forgive, teach and guide!
Guilt stagnates us. REPENTANCE brings about change in us.
I have learned so much since I was a young mother to 4 little boys at the age of 24. I wish I could raise them all over again. Those gates would have come down. I would have let the laundry go and studied them a little more.
I am so thankful for what the LORD has taught me, THROUGH my boys and my girls!
“I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me.”
― C. S. Lewis
― C. S. Lewis
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent. (quote found on the wall of a concentration camp)