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Saturday, April 13, 2013

Keeping Short Accounts

Many times it is used in reference to marriage.  Don't hold grudges or keep lists of the wrongs or seeming wrongs your spouse has committed towards you.

It is the same with our children, especially children who have come from hard places, or trauma backgrounds. 
Children from tough backgrounds many times come with a tough exterior due to such personal trauma and pain, it is unimaginable.  They are very frightened of being hurt again, but that fear does not look like fear to us. It looks more like defiance and anger.  It may even be defiance and anger, but we must remember that it is rooted in fear.

When we feel vulnerable ourselves, sometimes we can lose our focus and fall into a mindset that can be very destructive.  We choose to remember in  our hearts  how hurt we are, how we have been wronged, how the words spoken to us in anger pierced us or crushed our feelings , and then, we fall into the trap of unforgiveness, bitterness and keeping records of wrongs.

What happens next?  Fear begins to set in and we begin to parent according to our own fears instead of parenting from a place of love.
Fear tells us that our children will not heal.
Fear tells us that they will not make it in the real world.
Fear tells us that when they are older, they won't go to college, grow up, become productive adults and more.

Those records, written on our hearts come to us when our child acts out, and we catalogue the charges against our children deep within our souls.
This cannot be!

Not only is it unhealthy and destructive to relationship.  It is unbiblical!

In First Corinthians 13:1-7
1If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;a but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
4Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 
Did you see that is scripture?  I underlined it.... remember it! Notice it says "every circumstance"?
That means every!

we find ourselves keeping records in our hearts, we are not responding to our children from a place of love, but actually from a place of self protection and selfishness. (fear)

These are hard words to hear.  I have to tell them to myself
too. :) 

If we don't give our children a fresh start, or clean slate
emotionally, or allow them to try again, when they have failed, we will be holding them back.  If we have them blackmailed emotionally, knowing that we are holding past behaviors over their heads to be brought out at our choice moment, we will not be pursuing to create relationship but to destroy it. It may be unintentional, but the result will be destruction and continued disintegration of the relationship.
And it is so easy to fall into that trap. 

 Just like the best intentions to have a great marriage can fail, the best intentions to have a great parent child relationship can fail. 
The good news is:  Just like you can be the change to bring a marriage together from failure, you can also be the change to bring a parent child relationship together successfully.

We need to practice rejoicing when our children do well, and look at them as God looks at them and us.
When we sin, God sees us through Jesus Christ.  He sees us as forgiven. He sees us as sons.
God does not hold our sins up before us over and over.... there is an accuser that does that.  Let's represent Christ to our kids,  not the accuser!

In the case of a child who is not in faith;  just as God pursued us with intense love, to the point, he sent His son,  we need to pursue our children with that  kind of love.  Entrust them to the Lord, pray for them,  love them!  Seek relationship! 

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